Sometimes, people don't realize the degree of harm that is caused when a
person is sexually/emotionally exploited by a "trusted helping professional" (mental health, medical, clergy,
law enforcement, teacher, coach, etc.).
Time after time, in news articles, the focus is on the professional's
"misconduct". This abuse isn't just a theoretical ethical "no
no". There's another side to each of these "professional misconduct"
stories which is usually glossed over... the victim's story. Victims pay
a tremendous price for this abuse, emotionally, psychologically, spiritually,
socially, sexually, physically, and financially. It's no wonder that an increasing
number of States are criminalizing this abuse, as a serious felony offense and
professional codes of ethics prohibit this abuse. This is NOT a victimless
crime. When you encounter these stories of abuse, ask yourself a question:
"What about the victim?"
The Question:
Having been sexually/emotionally exploited by a
helping professional, what has been the 'cost' of this abuse? What has it taken from
you?
The Answers:
- Words are insufficient to
explain the cost of this exploitation on my life-and to my family, friends,
subsequent therapy, etc. I try to write this over and over and I cannot find
the words that convey my sorrow, grief, betrayal, anger, etc.
- I lost my identity. My sense of who I am was shattered.
- I lost all hope of recovering from childhood sexual abuse.
- I lost any hope that safety exists anywhere on this earth.
- I lost my connections to important people in my life- due to
the extreme isolation.
- I lost the few good feelings I had about my body.
- I lost 99.9% of everything meaningful in life: trust, faith,
value systems, 2 babies' lives, motherhood, family, friends, career, and a nearly
successful attempt on my own life
- The abuse was a re-enactment of childhood abuse and It
re-traumatized me to the core.
- He took my dignity and self-respect.
- He also took my ability to be physically close to and sexually
intimate with my husband and my ability to go to Church without feeling sick to my
stomach.
- I can honestly say that although sex was a regular part of my
experience, 90% of the damage came from the long term emotional and verbal abuse.
- He has taken from me my trust in male doctors.
- He took my innocence, my love, and almost my soul.
- He has taken my peaceful nights of sleep - I still wake up
with nightmares, and in tears.
- He did not take my integrity, my fire, or my spirit -- but if
he would have been able to keep exploiting me, I'm sure he would have sucked every ounce
of self respect out of my being. And called it love.
- Flashbacks awake... Nightmares asleep...He took away my
definition of who I am.
- He ROBBED me of my courage, my trust in others, confidence in
my own judgment and past healing by re-enacting the prior abuse.
- Sex was the weapon or means used to abuse us emotionally and
spiritually.
- This abuse has cost me my friends and my family who just don't
understand.
- His abuse has cost me my freedom, my rights, my privileges, my
trust in others and the mental health profession; and my freedom to be who I am.
- It cost me valuable years of my life, when I felt
incapacitated to enjoy life or to be a vital member of a family consisting of members who
needed me.
- It cost me the sense of being capable of protecting myself, of
solving problems for myself. I realized I was unable to know soon enough what was
profoundly dangerous to me, nor did the experience teach me how to do that other than by
withdrawing from the world.
- It cost me my sense of who I was, of well-being, and hopes and
dreams for the future.
- The experience placed me outside cultural expectations,
leaving me with feelings of profound confusion. At the same time it separated me from
important others as it was an experience beyond what those near and dear to me could
comprehend.
- He stole away my faith that there is good in the
world. I don't know who I can trust any more, now that I've learned
that the people I am "supposed" to trust CANNOT be trusted.
- I've lost my church, all of my friends, all of my
support at a time when I needed them the most. I have to deal with this violation
alone.
- She stole from me my faith in the office of rabbi, and
the failure of the movement's leadership, also rabbis, to respond in a just and healing
way has destroyed my faith in my chosen religion and very nearly my faith in God.
- I've lost my ability to do the work I loved.
- I've lost the ability to take care of my house and
yard; I'm not a good 'mother' to my cats anymore.
- I've lost all the waking hours from every day in my
attempts to achieve justice and to heal; I've lost all the sleeping hours from every night
to nightmares.
- I've lost my energy and motivation for life.
- I lose many many thousands of dollars every year in
lost income and in healing expenses.
- The very foundations of all I held dear and sacred were
undermined. The very principles I had grounded my life on were ripped out from under me,
hurling me into dark chaos.
- I lost my church, my friends, my support network, my ability
to trust, my faith, and my sense of who I was.
- I was injured to the core, at every level of my being. It
nearly cost me my physical life as well. I am determined to reclaim my life, and raise
good out of the ashes of evil.
- My mind shattered, and picking up the pieces and putting them
back together may take a lifetime.
- He stole my personhood, and never gave it back. I
thought I was going to be healed, but instead I was wounded almost to death. I ended
up in the hospital despairing of life again and again.
- It made me realise the difference between church and God!
I lost church, but not God. I lost trust in the clerical collar. It
hurt to my very core. I feel bruised, discarded, ignored, violated, angry. I
lost, but also gained . . . my soul, my God.
- It is now terrifying to ask for help from any
mental health professional. I have to go to the profession that devestated me for
help. It is an impossible double-bind.
- I lost the joy in my life, my
ability to trust myself and others, faith in God, my inner strength, respect
for the church, my identity.
-
I lost belief in myself. I told
myself that I could handle him, that I could stay out of danger, but I
couldn't. I lost my self-determination and personal feelings of power.
-
I have lost my sense of
relationship with God and Christians. For most of my life, God was my Source
of strength, courage and unconditional acceptance. Because the abuse was
from someone who represented God to me, my feelings of shame and betrayal
have separated me from this Source. And so many "Christians"
don't or can't understand...
-
It has cost me trust. I has made me
wear a frown on my face and have a suspicious look in my eye.
-
It has cost me my innocence, my
ability to think wonderful of life.
-
It has cost me myself. Who am I? I don't
know. The "me" has been lost. Never to be seen or heard from
again. Just plain gone. Now, I just "be" what everyone else wants
me to be.....whatever, whomever that is.
-
It has cost me my
marriage, my family, my financial security, my trust in others, my sense of
safety in the world, my sense of Self, my ability to feel joy, my desire to
truly live.
-
Most importantly, the abuse by my
therapist has caused me to lose my belief in the God that I had always
embraced, faith in something bigger than myself, hope that there will be
more beyond this life. The man who was supposed to care for me has robbed me
of my life and I am left with a hole where my heart once was.
-
It has cost me and
still costs me the joy in my life. I
still harbor hopes that he truly loved me and that someday it will all work
out.
-
It cost me the ability to think and
trust my own rationality, my own intuition. He always said my intuition
about his feelings for me were right on target... are they? Can I ever trust
myself again?
-
It took the reality out my life and
replaced it with false hopes, false images of myself and others. I no
longer function with the hope that I can be something different, but rather
must accept the trash I have become because of our relationship!
-
It cost me 1) my sense of God as a presence and
factor in people's actions, what kind of God did this man
profess to follow, 2) my church family, 3) most of my friends,
4) my good name, 5) my self respect, 6) the thought that I have
a clue about peoples intentions and motives, 7) the trust of my
husband and 8) all faith in fellow Christians in general, 9) the
clergy in particular.
-
When I go out now, I almost always encounter at least one person
who gives me that "oh you're THAT woman" look, and
some men feel that they now have a right to hit on me because if
I would sleep with my minister then why not them. So many things
about me have changed due to this I don't have the time or
enough space to list them all.
-
The cost of abuse: Incalculable. Costs you the
tiny bit of self-respect you had, your ability to trust/love
anyone, including yourself, your soul. Your minute will to live.
-
He shattered me, leaving permanent shards of
glass in my psyche.
-
I became spiritually, emotionally, and morally
bankrupt. He took away my reasons to live. I've had to learn to
live my life all over.
-
He conspired to discredit me, and his brutal
abuse ended up costing me the loss of my hospital. He is a
deviant Registered Nurse, and he continues to provide
"services" to female patients. What will he cost our
society?
-
My priest discarded me after he took away dignity, my integrity,
my sense of spiritual wholeness. He left me with pain, terror,
nightmares, shame and self-loathing.
-
I feel like I am terminated. I was controlled, and then deleted.
If I committed suicide, I would only be finishing the job he
started.
- She was my coach, my mentor. Because of her I have lost my
innocence, relationships with the people I love, my goals for the
future, my spiritual wholeness, and all ability to be independent.
She gained my complete love only to leave me broken and alone.
Victim/survivors of this abuse may add comments
to this page by
sending an email to hope@advocateweb.org.
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