 
There is nothing funny about sexual exploitation.
Nevertheless, we decided to create this page for you to share something humorous.
Laughter Therapy
How to Laugh About Everything in Your Life That Isn't Really Funny
with Annette Goodheart, Ph. D.
The Hoolinet
All original humor from Mark Hoolihan
Bricklayer's Accident Report
[contributed by a reader]
Accident Report
This is a bricklayer's accident report that was printed in the
newsletter of the English equivalent of the Workers' Compensation Board. So here,
thanks to John Sedgwick, is this Bricklayer's report.
Dear Sir;
I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block #3
of the accident reporting form. I put "Poor Planning" as the cause of my
accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will
be sufficient. I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was
working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my
work, I found I had some bricks left over which when weighed later were found to
weigh 240 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in
a barrel by using a pulley which was attached to the side of the building at the
sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung
the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the
rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 240 lbs of bricks. You will
note on the accident reporting form that my weight is 135 lbs. Due to my
surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and
forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the
side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel
which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the
fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collarbone, as listed in
Section 3, accident reporting form. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid
ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into
the pulley which I mentioned in Paragraph 2 of this correspondence. Fortunately
by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly
to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience.
At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the
ground-and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the
bricks, the barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my
weight. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building.
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for
the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and lower
body. Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the
barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the
pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry
to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move
and watching the empty barrel six stories above me, I again lost my composure and
presence of mind and let go of the rope.
Backyard Dig
[contributed by a reader]
The story behind the letter below is that there evidently is a person in Rhode
Island who digs things out of his backyard and sends the stuff he finds to the Smithsonian
Institute, labeling them with scientific names, insisting that they are actual
archaeological finds. This guy really exists and does this in his spare time. Here's an
actual response from the Smithsonian Institution. Nice to know they're on top of this
stuff.
Smithsonian Institute
207 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC 20078
Dear Mr. Williams:
Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled "93211-D, layer seven,
next to the clothesline post...Hominid skull." We have given this specimen a careful
and detailed examination, and regret to inform you that we disagree with your theory that
it represents conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man in Charleston County two
million years ago. Rather, it appears that what you have found is the head of a
Barbie doll, of the variety that one of our staff, who has small children, believes to be
"Malibu Barbie." It is evident that you have given a great deal of thought to
the analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite certain that those of us who are
familiar with your prior work in the field were loathe to come to contradiction with your
findings.
However, we do feel that there are a number of physical attributes of the specimen which
might have tipped you off to its modern origin:
1. The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains are typically fossilized
bone.
2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubic centimeters, well below
the threshold of even the earliest identified proto-
homonids.
3. The dentition pattern evident on the skull is more consistent with the common
domesticated dog than it is with the ravenous man-eating Pliocene clams you speculate
roamed the wetlands during that time. This latter finding is certainly one of the most
intriguing hypotheses you have submitted in your history with this institution, but the
evidence seems to weigh rather heavily against it. Without going into too much detail, let
us say that:
A. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog has chewed
on.
B. Clams don't have teeth.
It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your request to have the
specimen carbon-dated. This is partially due to the heavy load our lab must bear in its
normal operation, and partly due to carbon-dating's notorious inaccuracy in fossils of
recent geologic record. To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced prior
to 1956 AD, and carbon-dating is likely to produce wildly inaccurate results.
Sadly, we must also deny your request that we approach the National Science Foundation
Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning your specimen the scientific name
Australopithecus spiff-arino. Speaking personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for the
acceptance of your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because the species
name you selected was hyphenated, and didn't really sound like it might be Latin.
However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this fascinating specimen to the
museum. While it is undoubtedly not a Hominid fossil, it is, nonetheless, yet another
riveting example of the great body of work you seem to accumulate here so effortlessly.
You should know that our Director has reserved a special shelf in his own office for the
display of the specimens you have previously submitted to the Institution, and the entire
staff speculates daily on what you will happen upon next in your digs at the site you have
discovered in your Newport back yard. We eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation's
capital that you proposed in your last letter, and several of us are pressing the Director
to pay for it. We are particularly interested in hearing you expand on your theories
surrounding the trans-positating fillifitation of ferrous ions in a structural matrix that
makes the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus rex femur you recently discovered take on the
deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm Sears Craftsman automotive crescent wrench.
Yours in Science,
Chief Curator-Antiquities
You Know You Drink
Too Much Coffee When...
source unknown
You speed walk in your sleep.
You answer the door before people knock.
You sleep with your eyes open.
You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit.
You ski uphill.
You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
The only time you're standing still is in an earthquake.
Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
You can type sixty words a minute with your feet.
All Your kids are named "Joe."
You Don't need a hammer to pound nails.
Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
Your only source of nutrition comes from Sweet n Low.
You don't sweat, you percolate.
You've worn out the handles on your favorite mug.
People get dizzy just watching you.
When someone asks you, "How are you?", you say, "Good to
the last drop."
Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.
You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.
You can outlast the Energizer Bunny.
You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
You don't get mad, you get steamed.
You think CPR stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation.
Questions Asked in Courtrooms
source unknown
"Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he
doesn't know about it until the next morning?"
"The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"
"Were you present when your picture was taken?"
Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for breathing?"
A: "No."
Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the
autopsy?"
A: "No."
Q: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."
"Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the
war?"
"Did he kill you?"
"How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the
collision?"
"You were there until the time you left, is that true?"
"How many times have you committed suicide?"
Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And what were you doing at that time?"
Q: "She had three children, right?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "How many were boys?"
A: "None."
Q: "Were there any girls?"
Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"
Q: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't
you?"
A: "I went to Europe, Sir."
Q: "And you took your new wife?"
Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?"
A: "By death."
Q: "And by who's death was it terminated?"
Q: "Can you describe the individual?"
A: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
Q: "Was this a male, or a female?"
Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?"
A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work."
Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead
people?"
A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people."
Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go
to?"
A: "Oral."
Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"
A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.."
Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?"
A: "No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy."
Q: "You were not shot in the fracas?"
A: "No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel."
Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?"
A: "I have been since early childhood."
A "Senior Moment" ...
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the
years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately,
their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to
play cards. One day they were playing cards when one looked at the
other and said, "Now don't get mad at me.....I know we've been friends
for a long time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought
and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name
is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just
stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to
know?
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