Sexual Exploitation Survivors
Speak Out!

by "Dreamer"

 

I read the story of the five boys that committed suicide many years after being abused by the priest Larson that will be up for parole soon.

I guess I just needed to say that being a victim myself of clergy sexual abuse, at the age of 39..... this event is a tragedy. While another parishoner came forward to make allegations to church officials in my own congregation, my minister spoke to me in his office claiming to have never committed the adultery he was being accused of. He was a very charismatic handsome and moving speaker. He was Loved by the church members. I was told to keep our indiscretions secret .. for I was special to him and what happened between us is the first experience he had with such things. We never had intercourse... but that I feel was only by Gods grace. Needless to say ......it was painful what took place .. and I feel certain that had I done that .. I would not be here today to write this. I tried for six long painful months to keep this secret. As time went by it became so toxic that the only option I could see was death. The insidiousness of this were the subtleties of my pastor encouraging me to take my own life. Not overtly mind you ...but with suggestions that were given .. and offers of comfort such as "What is the worst that could happen, you could die and go to heaven and be with Jesus .. .. and would that be such a bad thing?" In its own way this is a true statement. With toxic secrets and shame and guilt......this was the only way to relieve the anguish. The point that I wish to make in stating such things .. is ......if this insidiousness .......this evilness .......can so easily be thwarted upon an adult woman who yes was vulnerable yet intelligent .. and could find herself in such a position as to find no other alternative but to look to death.......how more so the impact on a mind of an innocent child. What I find so deeply disturbing is the fact that men of such stature ..who abuse their position .. are so easily able to encourage the suicide .. and then .. what do you have but an emotionally disturbed person killing themselves and I shudder to think the number of people who have died and left the criminal to go scott free to do the same again and again. Its such a great cover up. The shameful secrets stay hidden ......never to be revealed. I do believe that you reap what you sew......and eventually the truth comes out .....how many must die before we teach our children or tell the public that this exists and that it is abuse of power .. and that it is abuse of authority.....that there is no blaming the victim.......that there is still hope and that death does not have to be the only answer to erase the mountains of shame and confliction. This deeply saddens me .....deeply deeply ......what a travesty.

Thank you so much for hearing or reading what I have to say ..... my dreams are no longer lost forever ...

Dreamer

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