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To my Husband, Keeper of the Secret
Kathy H. 1975-2003

 

I know your hatred is a projection from your past.
I know your repressed anger keeps me at arm's length.
I know your blame keeps your focus from drifting inward.
I know to look into your eyes is to look straight through your soul,
into horrific torment, sadness and pain.
Having been discarded just a shadow of a person and a heart beating.

It's not the result of 28 year marriage gone sour.
The cataclysmic destruction is a result of an emotional execution,
at the hands of one gifted in his demonic acts under the guise of
holiness, faith, trust, love.

I've unknowingly watched you search a lifetime
for what you could not give yourself.
Like eating food with no taste buds, declaring it delicious,
you imitated what was expected,
only so you could take, with no questions asked.


Unfortunately I stumbled into a place I was not welcomed.
As I invaded your world, our world fell apart.
That impassable door began to bow from the weight of the anger and the guilt and the fear and the mistrust and the shame of the vile touches, the nefarious acts, the criminal behavior.
The pain began to seep slowly and silently out from under,
leaving you defenseless against knowing why you hurt so bad, hate so much, feel so dead.

You escaped reality through a filter of blaming
You accuse me of being your predator that you yourself have become.

I know your secret now
My world that made no sense, makes perfect sense .
The pieces finally fit, the puzzle solved.
How faithful and selfless of you to have kept his evil shame as your own.
To sacrifice everything for his cover; for your cover.

Bless me Father, for YOU have SINNED
and his life's been impossible with no confession...

I know to go is the only way out;
the door to your soul's anguish will stop bowing,
the dust from sin will once again settle.

To leave is a lifetime penance for sins I have not committed.
To stay would be to stay burning in the depths of your hell.

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