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Poetry and Artwork

Clergy Sexual Abuse: Church of Hate
Clergy Sexual Abuse: 
Church of Hate

by Frances Park

Sometimes it is difficult to find words which adequately express the deep pain, inner confusion and turmoil, and sense of betrayal and isolation of those who have been sexually exploited or abused.   This is a place to share poetic and artistic expressions of the heart, not only of the pain, but of the struggles, and victories in overcoming abuse.  Each victim is on a journey, a sometimes very difficult journey, out of being a "victim" to a "survivor" to a "thriver".   The poetry and art shared here is from a variety of sources and is not necessarily authored by someone who has been sexually exploited.

Wherever possible, we have tried to identify the author (and email address, if available) to give appropriate credit and copyright disclaimers.


Check out Penny Paton's Art Gallery

Penny Paton's Art Gallery


Submitted Poetry

Flowers
"Flowers" by Anon

 


My Sacrificial Offering
Kim 

The blazing past burns
as my sacrificial offering
turns to ash.

Forgiveness is given
and freedom from sin
frees the soul.

In moments to come
strung together with time
in His love may I remain...


he raped my body, my dignity, my Spirit
copyright © NMD 1999

From his position of trust
his hands, his body, his violence
penetrated me
He held me down
forced upon me
his power, his rage, his aggression.

I hid the bruises
dulled the physical pain
he made me insignificant
filled with shame.
I tried to heal him
still he raped my body, my dignity,
my Spirit.

I'm left alone
hurting, nightmares, bleeding
fearing his possession.

  
Prisoner
"Prisoner"

The Verdict
by Melanie

The court's in session, the verdict's now in.
The time has come to pay for my sin.
Bound in shackles, torn with pain,
And in my heart still remains,
Rage, hatred, bitterness, oppression,
Worldly things that caused my depression.
Until I decided I wanted no more tomorrow,
Too much had happened, too much sorrow.
Run away from this place,
You have made your life a disgrace.
There is nothing left inside,
Not even a bit of self-image or pride.
Another world for me, they say it's in my head,
But in my heart, I'm already dead.

Watchful eyes, hypocritical words.
My heart grows cold, the pain begins to burn.
After the wound heals, the scar still remains.
After the bleeding, the blood still stains.

Solitude's the verdict, which is good for me,
Not to poison my loved ones, for they'll never see,
I'm my worst enemy, but only friend,
But I'll find the strength to fly again.



Standing Strong
by Athena (aka Allara)

This is a poem that describes my fear over seeing my perp at the mediation.  The fears ended up being worse than reality.  I did "win," but what is most important - I stood up for myself. And that has helped me heal more than anything.

Cold gray void
Alone though surrounded
Head under arm
Like a bird under wing
 
Footsteps echo
Though I m protected
Love and lawyers
Can t save me from him

Enter the room
Heart in my stomach
The air is thick
With a feeling of doom
 
Hate in his eyes
I meet for a moment
Then slip away
And shut down too soon
 
I hear his words
Seduction, desire
Screaming inside
The little girl cries

On the wall
What does she see?
Lady Justice
Balance in hand

Tears wiped away
Eyes met strong
A woman now stands
The little girl gone.
 


bittersweet
copyright © december 1998 vicki d campbell

you said that
the "thing"
we shared was "bittersweet"

yes, i tend to agree
after thinking it through
i got the bitter
while the sweet
went to you

written 11-12-96 after ending the "relationship" with the abusive therapist he actually tried to console me.wanted me to keep working with him at his office and tried to give me expensive computer software and hardware as a gift after this . wow!


sunrise morning
copyright © december 1998 vicki d campbell

sunrise morning
graveyard scene
tomb stones lined up
so nice neat and clean

i've come to talk to you
or maybe reach inside
this hurtin' inside my head
says maybe too --- i have died

sun comes up
hurting eyes--its too bright
makes me look inside myself
all i seen is night

cold black heart
what have i become?
its a grave yard scene
and now i am one.

written sept 15, 1996 shortly after starting the abusive relationship with the therapist.  i was visiting my mom's grave on a sunday morning. (she had just died in april of 1996) this came to me as i set there thinking and crying.


Unsolicited Advice
anonymous

Take heed my green souled little brethren,
In whom the gift of trust resounds,
Of those with trust you may empower,
For thieves of souls they do abound.

For good is not a state of being,
But a constant conscious choice,
And charm a character does not define,
For darkest songs are sung by sweetest voice.

No cunning thief you can not claim me,
For only I my soul shall own.
I will not dwell in your damnation,
If home is hell, dwell there alone.

And so my dears by actions judge men,
For safety in words will not be found.
And good intentions can't protect you,
For thieves of souls they know no bounds.


Shame and Guilt
anonymous

It’s all I can do to hold up my head.
When the shame and the guilt want me dead. I cry alone, he doesn't care
If I live or die
It’s time for good-bye.
I feel I am nothing
Not even his friend
When I look at my life
All I see are dead-ends.
How could I of thought otherwise,
I must of forgot . . .
Who I am and where I belong
But six feet under, there I can sing my song.
I once was told heaven holds the key.
Now I know where I want to be.
A place where I’m free.
A place just to be.
A place where I know that
God truly loves me.


Why?
Copyright © 1997 by CGSG

Why? Why is living so cold and empty? Cold and empty. No meaning. No purpose.

Why is life merely enduring the tortures of death? Deep death. No essence of being.

Why is happiness but a far away dream? Unattainable, as a laugh rings hauntingly hollow.

Why is love such a stranger to a heart so pained? A once familiar face, no longer recognized.

Why does joy elude the heart of a soul? In it's place: crying, hurting, pain and dying.

Why the suffering? Why so much pain? Why won't it stop? Why can't it end?

Much has been lost. Nothing left to deny. What is left? But to ask, "Why?"


Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Antoinette Brooks

Woman's body, child's mind,
Who's this man who's been so kind? 
Sturdy arms to hold you tight, 
The rock that holds you back from flight.

Woman's body, child's mind, 
Needs to break the ties that bind. 
Needs this man to save her soul, 
Absolve the sins that make her cold.

Woman's body, child's mind, 
What's that face you hide behind? 
Masked confusion, covered pain, 
Trust rebuilt and lost again.

Woman's body, child's mind, 
Oh so needy, Oh so blind. 
Take her body, the games begin... 
"Bless me Father, for I have sinned."


Container for this Pain
Copyright © June 17, 1998 by Sharon

Where is there a container for this pain
where is there a container for this pain?

I can't hold it inside, it's spilling out
Where is there a container for this pain?

A chalice
with blood red pain
dripping over the sides of it
not liquid like a ruby wine
more viscous
bubbling up
bubble, bubble
toil and trouble

That's the wrong container
not a cauldron
that's not what's needed here
None of Shakespeare's fanciful
witches
this pain defies
the logical
the illogical
the real and unreal
It's physical
it's numb, my body is numb

I need a chalice, yes
but not filled with the blood of
pain
I need it to be filled with the
honey of Mead

I'll sip and the honey will stream
down
my
insides
cover the wounds sweetly
nourish the hunger
the pain


Medicine Man
Copyright ©  2000 by Sharon

Because I was lost

I instantly embraced your limitless

emptiness

gathering all that I could

to my breast

pretending

I was holding

more than the curved ruins

of promised

lies


China Town Tricks
Copyright ©  1998 by Sharon

I'm wrapping in a ball
tighter and tighter
the walls have closed in. No,
not walls
the container is closing in on me
a coccoon
not a friendly, warm, nurturing
cocoon

This one wants to squeeze
tighter
and tighter
like those Chinese finger prisons
where, when you pull your
fingers away
the container squeezes tighter
and tighter
until it turns your fingers red
until you figure out that if you
just
stop pulling away
and relax and give in
the container lets your fingers go
free


Secret Heartaches
Copyright © January 1996 by Penny Paton

Drifting along life's uncertain course, injured, dazed hearts remain brave.   Spanning each year of life, including all races, nationalities, rich and poor, male and female, these hearts endure.

While carrying the burdens of shame and guilt, the abused hide their suffering, feeling they are not worthy of being saved.  Self -worth lost, damaged ones are sure they do not deserve love, praise, or reward.  You see, frequently affection causes victims to withdraw and wilt.

Bruised hearts, now hollow, where once love and trust used to be, remain stoic and courageous, so no one will see.  Confused emotions compound their plight.  Sad hearts ache from anxiety, depression, embarrassment, and fright.  Anger turns inward punishing the self.  Occasionally, in a rage, others strike out.  All whisper a cry for help!

To survive, broken hearts detach from their pain.  Some fall away forever.   Most, absorbing the blame, continue to cope.  Life is a struggle when there is no hope.

Emotional exhaustion drags them down, while trying to bury the dark secret, thinking, it must never be found.  No one must know of the injuries or scars.  We become imprisoned by our own isolation, not realizing that perpetrators rely on keeping "the secret" hidden within our hearts, then they escape, to further victimize.


Moment of Clarity
Copyright © January 1996 by Penny Paton

Through the fog of confusion a moment of clarity came. Words from a survivor of abuse, words which described my pain. For the first time, I knew I was not alone. Stunning was the impact! A tremble gripped me from deep inside, then soared through every nerve and vein, realizing I was on the verge of comprehending a truth. Years now gone, living in needless shame, hiding the secret, fighting the flashbacks, certain there was no future for me, only the wish to die. I was guilty and carried the blame. The truth I heard again and again from others who were healing. Symptoms described were similar, and threads of their differing stories rang true. Their suffering was so familiar. As others have reached out to me, I must now extend my hand, and tell you about the truth, I have finally found. It is always wrong, a despicable crime against the soul, for those in power to misuse their positions of authority to serve their own needs at the expense of vulnerable, trusting ones, over whom they tower! This is betrayal! This is cruel! This is abuse! Victims, the last to become aware may continue to love, protect or fear their perpetrators, while hating themselves. "Why?" you ask. Perpetrators know. It's part of the damage; the end result and they do not care. This is abuse! Verbal ridicule, harassment, demeaning criticism -- is abuse. Physically harming another or the threat to do so -- is abuse. Sexual contact with one who is unable to say, "no" or whose negative response is ignored and who is further manipulated, and exploited, is abuse. Perpetrator --Victim -- Damage! I challenge you to expand your knowledge. Remember this----- There are more survivors of abuse than perpetrators. Today many are reaching out. Hearts and hands intertwining, forming networks to catch falling victims. There is hope! Healing will occur! Loud and clear the truth is coming out. As long as we are active perpetrators will be identified, laws will be changed, professional organizations and institutions will become too embarrassed to shield those who are so emotionally defective. We are uncovering the flaws. What can you do? Get involved. Become aware of what is happening to others around you. Help them if you can. At least pick up the phone. Report abuse, anonymously, if you must. Even if it is just a suspicion, trust your instinct. Listen to your heart! We need your helping hands.


War-Cry
Copyright © 1996 by Penny Paton

Hear this war cry -- hear my moan. From years of sadness, years of madness I suffered alone. For years of shame in my cave filled with blame, you've remained in my mind, committing your crimes.

Hear this war cry -- hear my voice. You filled me with drugs. I had no choice. I ran away in desperation, never able to escape humiliation, then became lost in the darkness of depression and self-destruction.

Hear this war cry -- hear the truth. Talked to you for years, through all those tears, did you forget who I was, what I stood for, believed in? Did you forget what was said? I had turned to you in grief and despair. In that time of sorrow, in that time of need, I became the victim of your sick greed.

Hear this war cry -- my whisper in the wind. A silent rage that I'd turned within. Thought you were my healer, physician, and friend. You, on that pedestal the slayer of my soul, crippled my mind, committed your sin!

Hear this war cry -- hear it in the rain. Bleeding from this wound is emotional pain. Inside, you are ugly. Evil venom flows through your twisted vein. Hear this war cry -- hear my roar. once your patient, then your whore. I've lost a lifetime. I lost sanity because of your disgustingly, cruel vanity.

Hear this war cry -- hear my shout. You've remained in my mind creating and maintaining self-doubt. You are guilty of betrayal. Now the truth is out.

Hear this war cry -- It's an ancient groan, a guttural sound from the depths of all those abused. Who has cried as I, "What's the use?" You trusted ones, cloaked in fake flowers, leave your victims sexually, physically, and emotionally shattered. Then we hide you, could not betray you, we protect you in our ivory towers. You know you take shelter in our heads, further damage of abuse. Hear this war cry -- there is no excuse!

Hear this war cry -- hear the thunder, lightning striking all around. You and your kind will finally be found. The world will know your injurious crimes, and know of the damage done to our minds.

Hear this war cry -- the sound of silence. There will come a time for balance. I'll find life's key embedded in my own ground. I am removing your cloak, shattering the pedestal, imploding that ivory tower, and in its place plant real flowers. You who are naked, known by all to be villains, will at last be victims of your own ruin.

Hear this war cry -- hear my prayer. Heed the warnings of what survivors of abuse tell. You may also become a victim, and life thereafter a living hell!

After awhile, after a pause, hear the war cry -- take up this cause. I am your child, mother, brother, father, sister, neighbor, wife, husband, friend. Hear the war cry -- stop abuse! Make it end.


Soulless
Copyright © 1998 by Ginny Potter

I am a leaf
Floating on the water
Buffeted by restless winds
Spinning with the current
Weighed down by spray
I am sinking fast
And there is no one to save me.

Insubstantial as smoke
I crouch at the edge of your circle
Craving admittance to the warmth
But no one sees me in the shadows
I have no depth
I am invisible

I am toxic.
There is no one who dares answer the need in my eyes.
Do you fear I will suck you down with me?
Do you fear the power of my powerlessness?

All that I was
Has been rejected.
I am soulless.
No one will admit a connection to me.
Anchorless, I drift, unclaimed.


Betrayal
Copyright © 1998 by Clue

her face searches
looking for honesty
hoping to find it in each person she meets
she opens her heart to them
believes them to be who they say they are
and lets them into her heart
maybe not all the way... but they are in there

time passes and she trusts them more and more
opening herself up and being honest with them
about her pain and her suffering
hoping to find some understanding
some compassion

often she finds it... in a soft touch
a certain gentle look
and she is hooked
she believes in them
trusts them

one day the real truth about them
comes crashing in around her
she struggles with the need to believe
yet the fear of being so naïve that she
puts herself in danger again and again
inside she struggles with the person she saw and
the truth that seems to be before her

she wants to trust her gut
but how can she... it’s led her in the wrong direction
so many times before.
It hurts so much... the pain so big
she wants to recoil and hide and never trust again
but she knows that this will be an empty existence
so she’ll reach out again, but perhaps more carefully
next time.

she knows that people aren’t all bad
nor are they all good
there is a blend of both in each person
who is she to decide which good is okay
and which bad is incomprehensible
how much can she... will she tolerate?

she loves so deeply
believes so completely
hurts so profoundly
her heart breaks
again for promises lost
dreams torn
misconceptions run rampant

torn between loyalty to a belief
and the terrible facts before her
to love and trust?
To leave and hate
is there a place in between

I don’t know.


Help!
Ben

Help!
I sit here and try to forget
try to pretend I'm not hearing it
I am in denial
I don't want to admit
I don't think about it 
Maybe I will forget
Help!
that is the cry I hear tonight
that is the cry I want to kill
I am scared I am sad
and maybe I'm just a little bit mad
you scared me last night
your grip was such a fright
I hate you
you made me different from the
rest of the world
HELP! HELP! HELP!

You did this to me
:-(

You did this to me
You shattered me
You made me this way at a young age
I was innocent
 and once so were you
You did not like this
 so why assume I do
Now I can't even look at your picture
 it reminds me of you
 and all that you did
When others look at me they
see beauty, truth, love,
I need you and you aren't here
I miss that love only a father can give
I miss that love only a brother provides
 and yet and still you both betrayed me
Let me think you cared
The love you both for me shared I
 was wrong, now I am tired
Too tired to care, all I need to say now is
 I will show all that I am no different despite
 what you both did my revenge
 comes by showing
 you all that I can still win
And you both shall lose


As the Wind Blows
Panda

As the wind blows
my scars will show
my life will pass
and my time will go

As the wind blows
my trobles will go
my legs will weaken
and bones will show

As the wind dies
so will my life
as will my heart
and my sole
my life will blow
far away like sand
in a desert and
snow in the forest

you won't hear my cries
you won't see my sole
you won't hear of my life
lost so long ago

you took it away
that cold winter day
I am lost and I am
gone I hope that
this will make you think
as I did

why did this happen
why did you lie
why did my life have
to be ruined

A window once stood
then a ball was throne and
the window was shatered
after that nothing else mattered
I was that window you were that ball

goodbye to you
goodnight to all

END


There Once Was a Doctor...
enkins@aol.com 

There once was a doctor named Anne,
Who said I'll do all that I can.
But with your pedigree, you'll need therapy,
And all the drugs in the land!

There was a bipolar named Nancy,
Whose moods you never would fancy.
With altered brain chemistry and her doc's warm empathy,
She's neither too down or too manicy!


Poetry at other Web sites

 


Cake is art too, right?  :-)


 


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