Survivor Comments

It's not really about the experiences we've suffered through, it's about coming back and reclaiming our lives and our souls once again, to be whole again.    Light 

I visit your site regularly, recovering from therapist abuse. I do not like to think of myself as a victim. I am a survivor. And I am more grateful than you can imagine that this site is available. Thank you, thank you, thank you so very much....I was alone with this for 12 years until I found your site last fall. You cannot imagine how helpful it has been, to know I am not "the only one". Jeez, what a relief! A sad, horrible, terrible thing to say, I know, but true...it was a relief to no longer be alone with it. And at the same time, I realize that many other lives have been shattered also, so I feel guilty that I am NOT alone. Catch 22, isnt it?  Anon

I had been a writer and a seminar instructor but a stroke and a series of losses left me sad and directionless. During the abuse by my psychiatrist, I began to draw and write either with or for him. That was part of the exploitation, that we spent increasingly more time doing projects for his benefit. Initially his encouragement helped me soar. I took Tai Chi, swam, hiked, got up every dawn for a month to see the sunrise. I felt like a bird with damaged wings he helped heal and set to flight, and then, angry she took flight, shot down. I can't fly, anymore. I can't dream of flying.    Kimberly 

You took away my past, my present, and my future. You took away my heart, my soul, and the desire to live. You took away the person I was, and the person I could have become.You took away my youth and the abilty to trust. I gave up my hopes and dreams when you threw me away. I loved you and you destroyed me.    L

I am only beginning to realize the high cost of this in my life. There is no part of it that has not been touched. My marriage has failed. I have lost ten years. Like many others, this compounded the childhood trauma that brought me to seek help. The isolation is incredibly difficult. I find I am locked into the safety of isolation versus the risk of going back out in the real world. How can I trust myself... The church had been a large part of my social life, my volunteer work, my support system..... Now, that is gone...   Anon

The best word I have found to describe the confusion [this abuse introduces into our lives] is "Chaos". There is no up or down, no place to land your feet to gain a footing. There is nothing by which to measure right or wrong, truth or deceit, helpful or hurtful. All foundations we need to stand on to make decisions, have been crumbled and scattered into the vast void of time and space. There is only the knowledge of our existence, and nothing to help us understand what that existence is supposed to mean. We are tumbling through a the dark void with no maps, landmarks, or solid ground from which we can gain our bearings to see with a clear perspective. We are tumbling head over heels trying to figure out where we are, and how we got here, yet there is nothing around us to shed any light of understanding. It is like a rug being pulled out from under your life, and you can't tell if you're tumbling up or down, whether you are going to land on your feet or your head. All you can do is flail your body helplessly as you tumble through the air. There just aren't words which adequately describe the depth or impact of this confusion, which is a total confusion. It is confusion of the mind, the heart, the soul, and the spirit. It penetrates the total of who we are.   Anon

"After the exploitation, I found my trust in everyone was affected to varying degrees. Even those who have proven to be trustworthy friends over the years, I cannot fully trust to the same extent as I did before. The ONLY ones I trust completely are my husband and God. I don't view this as a totally negative thing. I believe there should always be a healthy question in our mind about all relationships. Of course, the key word is healthy. I feel I am finally approaching that healthy level of discernment after three long years of healing. I will never again blindly trust simply because someone claims to be knowledgeable, and is a certified professional. It is the character of the individual which matters most, not their title, and it takes a fair amount of time to determine someone's character. Even then, there is room for error in judgment! The bottom line... even after granting someone a certain level of trust, continue to watch for, and be aware of, any behaviors emerging after the fact which are possible indicators of a poor character. Do NOT ignore the subtle warning signs. Take them seriously! There is nothing wrong in revoking trust already given if the person's character proves to not deserve it!"   cs

"I realized recently I am still healing from the pain and sexual sessions my therapist had with me years ago when he was gratifying his needs while exploiting my vulnerability. I am a strong willed person, with strong faith as well, and am a survivor, but the realization of what he did has left scars that marred my sex life with my new husband, and also my trust in people. You know, when you are hurting and go to a supposed professional, you do put your utmost trust in them. If they have helped you and continue to do so, it is exciting for both. Then he took that one step further and used all I had shared with him, and started to hug and caress me more and more and more lustfully saying I had to allow my life force to flow again, and he was helping me. He went further and further with every session and the last 18 mos of my sessions that cost me thousands turned into sex sessions basically gratifying his addiction yet confusing me with false hopes, then causing me new pain. I had to leave, and he called and wrote telling me to come back as I still had issues to resolve. I just had to run....and I guess I put it away. Only recently has dreams been coming to me of his aggressiveness with me in session, and his false reasoning for us to start a relationship outside the office to help him set up seminars. But mostly now, my new husband and I are dealing with my problem of intimacy and sex with anyone. But I have faith God is guiding me to total healing. He guided me to you and you are helping and giving me real HOPE." Thanks, J  http://www.geocities.com/Athens/Crete/3718/

"I spoke out about the abuse I suffered by my therapist, I thought this person really cared about me. How can you ever trust anyone again? When you continue to get hurt over and over again. Is life really worth all this? There is one person I do trust now and is helping me through this situation, If she was not there for me I could not make it through this. Thank you."  A.

There is a responsibility in the large HMO network organizations and medical field to protect patients, their rights, records, and to help them heal. Amazingly one of the largest companies with held records from the patient's doctors. Their attorney's had it! Where is the responsibility??? It further rapes the patient, their rights, and their belief that no one can be trusted! Have you as a professional taken an oath to do no harm???? This is complete & utter destruction for patients. It engrains the rape again when this type of violation occurs, it insures no peace of mind, and shows healing cannot be done in our own way, with trust, hope, and no more fear. I have seen corporate puppets, I have felt the abuse repeated by those who claim to provide confidential care-- the larger the organization, the more likely to be swept under the rug, buried six feet under with no way out. All this after the states action, finding of facts for gross negligence, violations of patients rights and more.... If you work for the big guys--remember your oath, remember to heal, and join the survivor's side by providing the aide necessary while taking responsibility for your former employee's rape of client(s). Provide us with the tools to heal. This is why we come to you, we want to heal, not be destroyed! Stand behind us! Help us heal! Develop a plan for patients like us so no further violations happen. Personally, assist- for each time you walk away we may lose another soul. The confusion desperation engulfs them, hence death. It is someone who needs help, some one who may walk by you one day being the only available person to assist you- pick them up with your own hands, words, just as you, yourself would want to be. Do for them, what you yourself would want done, do unto others- as you want done to you. Commit to growth, life, and human compassion.

"I am continuing the long process of recovery and grieving as a survivor of severe physical, sexual and emotional trauma - and recent exploitation by a helping professional. I suffer from DID and depression. In a recent conversation with my current therapist, I was intending to speak about heartache; I felt rather depersonalized and from deep within came the words, 'heart rape.' This is an accurate description of the feelings we encounter when a professional helper becomes a perpetrator. This is the most ultimate violation. My travels on the road to healing helped me to discover a "new self" and a new life. The feelings of comfort and satisfaction that I continue to stumble upon (these feelings are awkward and unfamiliar to survivors) is worth every effort I make."  Anon

"Four years ago while attending an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting in Seattle, I briefly mentioned having been raped. After the meeting, a man in attendance at the meeting approached me and said he was an MSW for an agency in Seattle that offered sexual abuse counseling and urged me to seek help at his agency. I made an appointment and eventual began taking classes and seeing another therapist there, but this particular MSW counseled me informally in the waiting room on areas of grief (my father had just died), anger management, and crime victims compensation. 5 months later he asked me out on a date. 2 weeks later we were sleeping together. I quit attending counseling because I was uncomfortable with the situation. 6 months later he moved into my apartment with me. When I questioned the ethics of this, he insisted there was no problem as long as I had one year of sobriety. I kicked him out of my apartment 5 turbulent months later. It wasn't until I accidentally encountered my rapist and fell apart emotionally that I realized some of the damage the MSW had done. I hadn't begun to deal with the rape. I filed a complaint with the State of Washington and they eventually revoked his MSW license for 10 years and fined him $5000. In the process I discovered that I wasn't alone. He had been reprimanded in the past for several similar incidents. I still hate him and believe he should be castrated, but working through the complaint process with the State was very healing."  Debbie H.

"I have spent many hours being unsure of what happened, why, what part was my fault, what part was his - only to find that ultimately, I have a hard time trusting my conclusions. Part of me really knows that this man was more cruel to me than I would have ever thought possible. Yet another part of me still sees it as my fault, still hopes that somehow we'll have a "real" relationship instead of the one we actually had in which he simply used me for sex. One thing that I've found has been helpful is to make sure that I don't let myself spend too much time thinking about it. That was really the most difficult part for me. But, I've found that when I get away from it, look at and live in the world without him in it, that I can then get a more realistic perspective that I can trust..."  L

"I was referred to a counselor by my psychiatrist, she was a friend of his. I assumed she was a licensed , experienced therapist and that I could trust her because of the referral. After about six months, she began telling me she thought I had a multiple personality and that she also was one. This put me into a sense of shock for quite a while. She was seeing me weekly or every other week as the occasion warranted. She was doing something she referred to as 'medication' which was really hypnosis because it put me into a trance like state. She suggested ideas to me and would change things I said happened to be other things. This went on for 3 years and degraded into me listening to her talk about her own problems and experiences. She suggested I bring my husband in so her husband could talk to him about what it is like to live with a multiple. Her husband and mine were invited into our session and she 'put me under her meditation'. Her husband then took over and put his face near mine (2") and was talking threatening and loudly about bad things about my therapist and how she made a fool of herself as a multiple and how she was hanging out with her old heroin friends etc. This terrified me. Then after this part was over, she suggested they take me to a pie place and put me under and give me things to eat. Terrifying. I never went back after that. I told my psychiatrist what happened. Later I came to realize that the only education she had was a 6 week certificate in "codependent counseling" and very little experience. The only experience she had dealing with MPD was her own from her own counseling sessions with a counselor. She had not even read anything about it. It has taken me years to get over this and trust again. I now see my psychiatrist (a different one) but she doesn't know much about DID either. " 

"For a very long time that pain was constantly present, undermining any activity which should have been pleasant or fun. There came a point when I did have a "good" day, I was afraid to express my feelings because I thought I would jinx it.  Pain had been with me so long that it was the one thing that I was sure of, almost comfortable with. Thoughts of happiness only brought the most dreaded ANXIETY with it. Years ago, when I first filed a civil action against my therapist, I really wanted and hoped he would apologize for his wrong doing. I would fantasize about him getting help, rehabilitated; becoming friends with mutual respect. WOW.....where was my head?  I guess you know that it never happened. Finally I came to see him as he really was, uncaring, selfish, emotionally impaired, and dangerous to unsuspecting paitients. And you know what there are now more days when I have no pain. Just writing this brings tears of joy."   P

"It has been a few years since I have been in therapy with my perpetrator. The emotional pain has been devastating. In the beginning of this journey I felt like I wanted to die. I spent most of my days in bed, hardly functioning. Now, after some years have gone by the pain is not so bad.  I can finally say I don't care one way or the other about this person. I have taken every possible action that I could against him, and have taken some of the power back that he had taken from me during the many, many years he abused me. I think an important thing to remember, is these abusers are "nothings".  Once we decide to get away from them and take that giant step, they can no longer hurt us. We, at that point, begin the journey to our healing. Be good to yourselves, kind and patient and know that at some point you will see the light beginning to appear at the end of the tunnel.. "   B

"I just want you to know that the legal process is slow, frustrating and painful at times. I felt that it was important for me to do this, to stop this man from exploiting others, however I had to realize early on that working through my pain in therapy was more important in my survival, because I was so emotionally ill, and dangerously close to suicide at times. Thankfully, I am much better now. Maybe I will have a Life after all since I don't have that hollow feeling anymore and the depression is now under control."  P

"The legal process is grueling and revictimizing. I try very hard to keep my therapy and the legal aspects apart from one another. Sometimes, I get frustrated, but then rethink what is happening . Through hard work in therapy we can and will heal. I try to leave the legal part in the hands of the attorneys as much as possible, but do voice my opinion, very stongly, if I feel they are overstepping their boundaries with me. I have also tried my best in educating them as much as possible, because it is really important for the attorneys to know how we are feeling in order for them to represent us in the best way possible."   B

"Every day that you feel the pain is one day less for the future. Initially I stayed in bed and shook for a week. Several months later I was doing stuff but still shakey and terrified. The biggest mistake I made was to keep it a secret. Part of what the pain is, I think is shame. We have nothing to be ashamed about yet toxic shame is very much a part of this experience. To combat that we must tell, tell tell, tell, tell. Of course there are people you can probably tell better than others but the more talking and writing about it you do the easier it becomes to move through."    D

"Yes, the pain is excruciating, Although, I am actually feeling much better, I remember those first months of being so paralyzed in pain, fear and depression. It was as if I didn't know what hit me. From my own experience, therapy helped me. The initial stages of being with a new therapist was not easy and I had a hard time trusting him. As time went on, I was able trust him and I feel we have a good working relationship. Try to go easy on yourself, and take one minute at a time. This healing is slow in coming, because of the tremendous amount of damage that we victims experience, but I am a true believer that we will heal with time, good therapy and in my case, I prayed.    Today, and most of my days, are enjoyable. I'm beginning once again to see the beauty in life, a llife that I want to live as fully as possible."      B

"From the hurting places deep within our hearts and souls, we eventually draw our greatest strengths.   Hang on tightly, you've made the break, your now in the process of healing."   B

"For a long time after I stopped all communication with my former therapist, I hated him, loved him, wanted to be with him, loathed him , all in the same day. ... As time goes by, those feelings will become less and less and after a while you'll be more stabilized with your emotions, and the perpetrator will become less important to you."   B

"I am feeling stronger in my self and feel that I have recovered some of my normal spirit.  This was achieved by taking control of my life again and reporting my therapist. I feel that I have stood up and said NO this is not okay."    S

"No matter what- IT IS ALWAYS THE RESPONSIBILITY OF THE PERPETRATOR!!!! You don't have to feel responsible for any of it. Part of what happens to us when we are abused is that we feel as though it IS our responsibility. That is because the perp refuses to take what he/she is responsible for. Lay all the responsibility for being abused at your abusers feet! That is where it belongs. I couldn't believe the abuse that I took from my THERAPIST after all that and then of course tried to figure out what I was doing wrong. I have just started to feel that I wasn't the one doing anything wrong."   D

"Remember, you are not guilty, you are not responsible. You came to your careprovider with faith, with hope and the belief that he/she was who they proclaimed to be. It was not your fault they are not who they say they are! Because you are a valuable, precious person, your abusers may have wanted some of that for themselves. They are missing so much in terms of humanity, kindness, morality, that they are takers of the worst kind. It's like seeing a beautiful diamond and stealing it because you will never be one yourself. They will not be the wonderful, courageous, honest person you are. They can only show themselves for what they are and it's not a pretty sight. The truth will set you free and expose their shame. It is their shame, their guilt and their responsibility."  R

"I wanted to believe so much that my situation was different from other victims. I believed that my perpetrator did care about me. After extensive therapy and contacting professionals who are experts in this field, I came to the realization that my perpetrator did not care about me, if he did he would not have used me for his own sexual gratification. The wounds, he inflicted upon me are extremely deep. It not only affected me but my family. Because of his actions he took away years of my life that I cannot regain. This weighs heavy on my heart, but I am determined to try my best to get my life in order. How can a person care about you when he knowingly damages so badly? I would like to believe he cared, but in my heart and head, I now know the truth. . These perpetrators know we are vulnerable and they pick us for their use. I have no pity on them or no good words for them. They are truly a menace to society and a disgrace to their professions."    B

"Regaining your personal power is what it is all about! ... It takes great courage to face what this man has done and to confront him.  Rape doesn't have to be physical to be rape. Our souls, our hearts, our sense of trust can be a victim of rape too! In essence, we have all been raped. I have experienced the physical kind,but find this emotional incest, this rape of my soul, more difficult to heal from, to understand and to accept that it can go on and not receive the same importance as the physical. We were groomed by our perpetrators just as much as a child is, or a victim of rape.  I really like the way you described it as he held you dependent with one hand while abusing you with the other. What a true picture of how we have been abused. One hand, soothing us and keeping us emotionally dependent while the other hand (or other side of their nature) uses the same emotional manipulation to accuse, abuse and threaten.   Taking back our personal power is incredibly important in the healing process.   It was ripped away, now we need to take it back."   R

"You didn't willingly participate! Your therapist had the power in the relationship, as well as the responsibility morally and ethically to set and keep clear boundaries, not use you and allow you to take the blame! Being needy isn't bad, it's part of being human. However, when you seek therapy and get labeled as co-dependent, etc. and the therapist uses his/her power to influence you emotionally, it's because you trusted them to be who their credentials said they would be. You expected and paid for professional care and concern, what you got was abuse. It was not your fault anymore than it is a child's fault that they are abused by their parents or some other bigger person. In therapy, in any professional relationship, regardless of your age or the professional's age, he/she always have the position of power. They have the education, the experience and the credentials that present a picture of someone who cares, who is trustworthy. If you weren't needy (and that isn't a really accurate word for what we are searching for in our lives,rather it's wholeness and self acceptance among other things) then you wouldn't seek therapy, etc. But it is precisely because of your need to seek wholeness, to heal wounded part of yourself that you look for help. It does not make you "needy",but rather vibrant and alive! You are seeking to bind up those broken areas in your life and proceed to a fuller and more abundant life. You were abused, you were used, it was not and never will be your fault. You did not have the position of power. You were treated by a manipulative, seductive and dirty therapist."  R

"You have survived your perpetrators abuse and are in the process of recovery. Try not to worry about your abuser, focus on yourself. I know that it not easy because I have had many of the same concerns you are experiencing. Be kind to yourself and love the small child within your being. Treat yourself gently and know how precious you are. ... I truly believe God hears our prayers and is sending us the strength with need to cope with this tragedy."   B

"Weekends are the worst for me. Somehow, I make it through the week -- just barely getting by at a minimal level of functioning. Then I seem to completely fall apart during the unstructured weekends. I started therapy already needing to heal from so much. Now I realize that what I thought was healing was actually harming me. It's hard to know if I hurt because of the abusive therapist, or because of my original issues that were never addressed in years of exploitive 'therapy.'   It's all mixed up."  anon

"I know what you mean about weekends, but I promise your not always going to feel the way your feeling today. Somehow, someway, sometimes without even realizing it, a small sliver of light creeps in through the darkness. I was soooooo badly depressed not so long ago, I thought death would be a blessing for me. Now, I'm soooo determined to beat the insanity that I had felt for so long. During the really bad crisis time for me I had to stop working, my doctor put me out of disability. I had a decent paying job that I had for many years. I thought I would never be able to work again. The thought of walking out my front door to the mailbox was overwhelming and it was quite an accomplishment when I was able to do it. Well, life is full of surprises, I opened up my own business a year ago, and I'm pretty stable and I venture to work each day. Of course, there are some rocky days, but somehow with the help of God, I'm getting through the rough spots and enjoying the good days. I've isolated myself from family members and friends, but this little shop of mine at least gets me to communicate with people, to some degree. I hope at some time, I will be able to become closer with my family and friends, I miss those relationships, but for now it seems I still have to distance myself. It has been hard, I guess, for them to understand what has happened to me, and instead of allowing anyone to say or do sometime to me out of their ignorance, I feel I have to protect myself my distancing from them. I'm working now on Saturday, and you know what? I miss my weekends. Sunday is just not long enough. See what I mean, things change, and in time they will change for all of us. And today I'm thinking positive and feel that the change will be for the GOOD!!!"   B

"We need to know that we are not just those ugly experiences.  We are persons, individuals with dignity and honor and we so need to plant tiny seeds of hope within ourselves so that they may bloom.  It is the weeds that need to be thrown out, but ONLY in due time. If we weed too early, we take a chance of uprooting that which is life giving." Lorraine Pilotte (lorraine@prodigy.net)

What comes to my mind as I read this is a story, my story:

The fires of hell burn for a long time, an eternity from what I hear. Reluctantly I traveled there and stayed. It was shear hell to realize that I could never go back......never go back and change what happened to me.

There, in hell, I wrote about my life's experiences which I relived over and over again.....the experiences of therapy abuse. I wrote about how this experience had alienated me from my family and friends. I wrote, in my confusion, the many thoughts that didn't even make sense to me. I wrote about my fears.  I could never write about my shame though. I wrote about the emptiness and loneliness I felt I was living in a hell where no one could relate to my experiences. I hate this hell. I hate the life I was robbed of.  I wrote about not having any support from my community in fighting this demon that haunted me night and day. I wrote for years. I wrote about my rage and painted pictures of hell. They say a picture is worth a thousand words. I painted the fiery red flames of hell that burnt my heart to a crisp and the deep darkness surrounding this fire that was consuming my very life. There wasn't enough black or red to paint with which to paint with.  It was then that I realized that the fires of hell give no light to the darkness.

One day, I took my writings, 10  years worth. It was time to leave the abyss. I took my life's story, which I had written on scraps of paper at first and then into a diary,  I took this story with all its pain and sufferings, darkness and uncertainties, and placed it in the fire. I watched as everything went up in flames before me. I closed my eyes and said good by. I felt a certain peace fill my soul. As I opened my eyes and stared at the ashes before me,  a thought came to me "dust into dust".  And then I saw a small flame flickering amidst the ashes. And from this flame I watched the smoke, from what is had consumed, rise higher and higher into the night sky. And as my eyes followed the smoke as it swirled upward and outward, I heard a bird sing, then another and another. Dawn was breaking. It was the beginning of a new day. Darkness had given way to the light.

They say that hell is for an eternity.  I say hell feels like an eternity.   But this too comes to an end.  It is good to see the light of a new day .

Lorraine Pilotte (lorraine@prodigy.net)

This still haunts me! Although it has been 3 years and the complaint process with the local board of licensure, I still cannot trust my own judgment. I am fearful of any relationship with a man in a position of power. I am afraid that what he said about me being a seductive client may be true, after all didn't my father, brother, uncle and grandfather tell me I was a good little girl just before they sexually abused me... perhaps I did bring it upon myself. And now, he shows up at my church, first making intimidating faces, his family making faces and intimidating body language, then a year later, he approaches me, shakes my hand, introduces his child, smiles and says "how good to see you".  Since ours was emotional incest, an emotional affair, which by God's good grace didn't escalate into a physical relationship because I was able to leave him in time, it may not approach the pain of those whose relationships did reach the physical abuse. However, the lost wages, the lost hours of education, the loss to my children, family and friends, the loss of trust, the loss from making the first real attachment in my life and being betrayed by it, haunts me daily! He continues to drop in and out of my life, doing the same crazy making behaviors and my healing process drags on.

My wife was suffering from severe shoulder pain for months. Took her to a medical center where they started cortisone shots just at a time a friend introduced us to a "spiritual healer" in San Diego. He claimed he got his gift of healing from the aborigines who healed his M.S. My wife, who had been on narcotics, lack of sleep and alcohol, fell into a transference and he seduced her by hooking "the little girl". She felt compelled to go with him, leave he family etc. I caught it in time as I saw regressive changes in her personality.  It turns out the guy is a sick narcissist who found a "great cover" to exploit vulnerable victims. Aborigine healers call themselves "clever men" and are self proclaimed charlatans. What a setup! WE completely trusted him ....he "healed" our friend and had videos of testimonials. They rely in the "placebo effect" which according to research accounts for 55% of "healing"...the rest by medically effective drugs,.. My wife was "healed" by the shots she got and thought he healed her projecting a "savior complex " on him. We're getting through this with good therapy. Anon

I am a survivor of sexual abuse when I was 10 years old. The person was a priest and my uncle on leave from missionary duty. He convinced my mom to let me go with him to help fund raise. After he brought me to my grandma's house where he was staying to force sex on my and later oral sex too. Blaming the shame on my using sacred items caused a hate and anger of the church and other things in it. I am now 57 and trying to come to terms with it not being my fault. So hard a struggle. I have been in therapy for 3 years. Now in a support group for clergy abuse victims.

Hi. My name is Barbara Behm, and I am the author of the recently published children's book called "Tears of Joy." It is the inspiring and uplifting story of a young girl who comes to terms with childhood sexual abuse. It is a book of hope and healing for ALL children and for adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse. "Tears of Joy" gently and kindly educates children about the issue. With the information in the book, they will be empowered to protect themselves, and society can fight back against this pervasive problem. Adult survivors will be comforted by the warm, healing message.  Endorsements on the back cover are by Marilyn Van Derbur (former Miss America and incest survivor), Dr. Lois Lee (founder/president Children of the Night), and musicians Janis Ian and Ani DiFranco, who have written songs about childhood sexual abuse.  A sample endorsement by Marilyn Van Derbur: "Most children don't tell if they have been sexually violated. Most adults don't tell! 'Tears of Joy' will give children the opportunity of disclosing 'the secret.' How I wish this book had been available when I was a child. It could have saved me fifty years of shame and pain."  Fifty percent of the profits from the book will be used to educate children about childhood sexual abuse. The hardcover book is beautifully illustrated in full color and is 32 pages long. "Tears of Joy is available from WayWord Publishing, P.O. Box 522, Thiensville, WI 53092, for $16.95 plus $3 shipping/handling. It is also available on Amazon.com.  Thank you for this opportunity to tell you about the book.  Best wishes to each of you.   Barbara Behm

I was a victim of child molestation by a step-father. I was beaten and brutalized by three husbands. My next abuser was an F.B.I. agent whom I had worked with. I was very young and naive when I met him. I trusted him with my life, yet he betrayed that trust. He took away my morals, dignity and self-respect. I betrayed two husbands to be with him. I was raped by an aquaintance and kept silent to protect him; if I reported it to the police they could have found out about him. I lost the person I was, and gave up my hopes and dreams when he threw me away. I have grieved for him all these years; and by doing so I have let my life slip through my fingers. Because I had no closure I contacted him seventeen years later, and he laughed in my face.! He was so cruel to me on the phone I took an overdose of sleeping pills. I have been so overwhelmed by pain and dispair, that I have lost the will to live. My doctor said he abused his power and position, and used me in the worst kind of way. He crossed the line when he went from a working relationship to an intimate one. I truly believed he would want to be with me in the end. All the therapy, meds and hospital admissions have failed to help me. The sickest part of all is I would give up everything to spend one hour with him. I have asked myself should I report him? He has stripped me of my very soul, and he has been completely untouched by any of this.  J.

I never felt comfortable, as a child going this doctors office because no matter what I was brought in for I had to undergo a gynecological exam. Years later, I have met other women who has visited the same doctor and went through the same abuse. This man still practices medicine and I want him investigated and I want my old records out so I can view them. Don't know how. I didn't even think about what he was doing to me as abuse? Does that sound crazy? HELP!!!!!

Trust is a huge issue after the ultimate betrayal of experiencing professional abuse. I don't pretend to have the answers. Betrayal makes it extremely difficult to ask for help. We are expected to trust and ask help of the same/similar profession who abused us in the first place? It is not a logical move- after betrayal of trust. We surrendered our tender trust before and we were burned:

Marilyn Peterson in, "At Personal Risk", writes, "To place our faith in the unknown requires a level of commitment of professional promise and personal trust." Further, "While the professional-client relationship is built on the professional's expert authority and his or her obligation to serve, our surrender of the particular aspects of our 'soul' that need special care is central to the intent of the association. The concept of 'turning over' requires us as clients to relinquish control. However, because control is every human being's form of self-protection, handing it over leaves us vulnerable..."

My feeling is that engaging a future professional care-giver is inevitable and probably necessary...but trust will always be an issue subsequent to my own abuse experience. I have to walk the fine line of protecting myself from further harm as well as concern for alienating the subsequent treaters in my life who are forced to deal with my questioning mistrust and skepticism. I see subsequent treaters as potential enemies and they, knowing that I have brought a previous malpractice lawsuit, view me as a potential enemy, as well.

Peterson continues, "Like us (professional care-givers) our clients are afraid and have less hope that together we can resolve the issues between us. If we and our clients are pitted against each other and we each scramble for our personal safety, there is less possibility that either of us will choose or trust a relational path toward reconciliation. Sadly, as our faith dies and we are no longer vested in each other, we embark on a final journey that ominously takes us both toward our own isolation and destruction. Destroying our faith in one another leaves us alone and unprotected. Since all of us are innately dependent creatures with core needs, we cannot survive if we are unconnected and left to fend for ourselves. Yet, as we professionals care less and our clients trust less, we together unravel the spiritual fabric that breathes life into our existence and makes our mutual survival possible."

MISTRUST is then... another "Cost Of Abuse"

Imagine

"At Personal Risk"  Peterson, M., Norton, 1992, pp. 12, 28, 188

"Abusive behavior at any age shares certain characteristics, says Stephen Jefferson, 50, of Amherst, Mass., who counsels students from area colleges.  "It's about power and control," he says.  "To get a woman into a relationship, you make her think she's the best thing in the world.  But that gives her the power, and you can't be comfortable with a woman with more power than you have.  So you systematically break her down by isolating her from her friends, her family, her support groups.  That way you've got total control over the relationship."
'It's Not Just a 'Women's Issue' Anymore, by Marilyn Stasio, Parade Magazine, January 21, 2001, p.14.

"I have always found in my life that I have less rage at anyone who has hurt me, if my life is working... so the best revenge or the surest way I have of not having the abuse dominate every aspect of my life is to not only find a way to move on, but a way to thrive... work again at something I enjoy, make a sufficient living so I can look after myself, find a way to serve others, find and keep a healthy relationship and so on... its never a matter of getting even, because nothing ever makes up for what has happened... but it is a way of living in such a way as to minimize the impact of the original abuse and to move on in a manner that allows us to feel very good about the present."  LW

"As a male survivor (I am still not comfortable with 'victim') of abuse from a female therapist, I would like to see something from the 'male as victim' perspective. I am sure that most times it is the other way around, but believe me, it hurts just as bad, and wrecks your life just as bad when the male is the victim. It was and is truly, the most horrible thing I have ever been through. I am involved in litigation over it still, and that has been going on for seemingly forever. Believe me, there just isn't much sympathy or understanding when its the man who is the victim."  Phillip

"I have been abused so many times in my life. Male parents who had hired to babysit their children, date rape, sexual harassment at work, molestation at a church outreach center when I was recuperating from being raped after being kidnapped at gunpoint, misc. rapes by men and women (the most egregious committed by a member of Women Organized Against Rape [WOAR] in Philadelphia, sexual molestation by my own father after the kidnapping were a few of the incidents which brought me to the point of attempting suicide. Therapy has been difficult for in the past, I also was molested by a therapist. We have struggled in session until I was convinced that I would be safe. I continue to struggle. And I will continue to struggle because I do not want those asses to claim victory. Everyone reading this, please do not doubt yourselves. Your inner core which is love will overwhelm the hatred that others have attempted to heap onto your souls."  Audrey

"It is 6 years since I spoke out about the clergy abuse I had experienced. Three years ago, my husband and I separated because he could not let go of his anger about this 'affair'. We are currently in a divorce situation and, time and time again, in his documentation, he keeps going back to this 'relationship'.  Each time it is harder and harder for me to deal with the paperwork. I am tired of fighting and, at times, tired of living. I was hospitalized around Christmas for another major depressive episode. While I have moved away from the place the abuse occurred in, I am still living with the consequences of a type of abuse that is so little understood. Because I was an adult, it is difficult to find people who understand and empathize with how this could have happened. I add that, in July of last year, I testified at a church disciplinary hearing that, in the end, recommended his being removed from the church roster. I am pleased at this small victory so late in coming. While there was a huge emotional toll in having to 'relive' the events, in the end, the panel understood how far reaching this abuse can be and how difficult it is to heal."   Anonymous   

"Daddy was a minister & he abused me until I learned to lock the bathroom door around 10 yrs old. Still I believed in God. I just knew I was guilty & despicable. When I first went out with a girlfriend on a "double date" at 14, I was raped by a boy I didn't even know. At 17, when I finally got to a Psychologist, guess what happened. I thought he was the answer to my prayers & as we first made love, I silently thanked God for this great joy. The cost??!!  I have been crippled all my life by the repercussions of being so destroyed at every turn. I felt that there was no safe place for a girl or woman to walk. Oh the hopelessness, the loss of power & purpose. What & who could I have been if I didn't have to spend years digging out of the rubble?! I've been through PTSD & now at 50, I have a long-standing & difficult to treat depression."   Anonymous  

"I am a female survivor of therapy abuse by a male psychologist. My abuse began after about a year into therapy with this individual. In the last session I had with him, he had me exchange chairs with him. He wanted me to ask him personal questions....or as he said, "Ask me anything you want to know." This session went on for approximately 2 1/2 hours. By the end of the session, he disclosed his counter-transference feelings for me. He also said he wanted me sexually and emotionally. I was devastated!!! I immediately ended therapy with him.

A friend of mine continued to see him as a therapist. She said he constantly asked about me during her sessions and frequently disclosed his unhappiness to her. Finally, I called him and asked him to stop discussing me with her during therapy. He assured me she was the one bringing my name up during the sessions. This telephone encounter went on for a long period of time.

After about a 40 minute conversation, he abruptly said he did not want to discuss this on the telephone any longer. He asked me to meet him and I did. We began this meeting talking but before it was over we were hugging, kissing, and fondling each other. We did not have sex. He told me he wanted to have a relationship with me but if I told anyone he would tell them I had borderline personality disorder which meant no one would believe me.

Believe it or not we did not meet again. I entered therapy with a Female therapist and I have spent the last TWO years trying to recover from this event. The recovery process has been a long one. I am doing much better now and I rarely think about him.

If this has happened to you ...you are not alone!!! You are not responsible for therapy abuse, the therapist is!!"   Anonymous  

"It is very difficult to be writing this post right now. Last time I tried I suffered a panic attack so severe that I had to call the paramedics. 3 weeks into our therapy relationship, boundaries were already being violated. He was separated from his wife and confided in me that he was lonely and sad, and feeling bad, I tried to help him. Already the roles of therapy had reversed themselves. When I entered his rehab, he said he was taking control. He drove me everywhere. I loved the attention. I got an apartment near him after I left rehab, and while I was still using, he had me working as a counselor under him. He became physically violent, was abusive verbally and emotionally. He did all of our sessions at my apartment. I became anorexic and he discovered I'd eat as long as I was with him. So he started taking me out to dinner for our sessions. For Christmas he gifted me with items of his clothing. When I confided that I was suicidal, he said I was welcome to try and attempt, and yelled at me for calling him when he had friends over. He stole my car, my credit cards, and my cell phone. We began doing sessions while I was driving him around town so he could run errands. I believed I loved him, and feared what he meant when he said I would never leave him since he knew where I lived and wouldn't ever let me go. In February of 2001, I left him. For a while, I heard nothing from him. We lost contact until he spotted me at my work where he had gone to do some shopping. He began coming in all the time. Recently, he saw me at the bank and became upset at me that I didn't invite him to my year of sobriety celebration. He continues to try and harass me at work, continues to write me emails, and in general refuses to let go of the relationship that was ended over a year ago. He destroyed all of my faith in the counseling profession. I'd had prior therapists have sex with me, and he acted angry and turned around and did the same type of things. He haunts my dreams, continues to harass me, and my life will never be the same for having met him. He has ruined my ability to have trust in people, and he has ruined my sense of security. And what's really sick is that there's still a part of me that loves him, because he was never all bad.  He had good moments. Last time I tried to write in this section and had the panic attack, he picked me up from the E.R. and screamed at me that I shouldn't be so anxious about life. Little did he know what the anxiety was from. But I know you guys understand."   Anonymous  

"I am disgusted that I allowed myself to be brainwashed and manipulated by an exploiter, a liar, a cheater, a murderer. I am appalled that he was allowed in the pulpit to continue his unabashed lifestyle of preying on the innocent and vulnerable. I feel like I'm terminated. I was controlled, and then deleted. If I committed suicide, I would only be finishing the job he started."   Anonymous  

"You could add adult school bus drivers to your list of abusers who have easy access to children. I know this from experience. I'll be 59 years old this summer, and I have not lived a day without pain because I was the first student on the bus in the morning and the last one off the bus in the evening. This bus driver was an "upstanding pillar of the community." He was also in charge of the MYF at my church."   Anonymous  
 

I too am a victim of clergy abuse. Here is a pastor who married my husband and I, baptized my husband and I and presided over my husbands funeral. He used my vulnerable state to seduce me into a sexual relationship. He knew I lived alone and always made an attempt to visit me at my home to see how I was doing. He had just been married himself and stated he was lonely and he did not want to be married any longer. He also stated that I belonged to him. I had retained an attorney who could only write a letter to the church asking for an investigation which never transpired. He lied and said my accusations never happened. I desperatly want to expose him for what he is and what he put me through but can't get anyone to listen to me.He still preaches at his church every sunday morning as though nothing has happened and here am I angry, hurt,and never wanting to attend any church again because it brings back memories I am trying to forget.

I just want to expose this predator so he won't take advantage of someone else.   Bunnie    New

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