She said my memory was flawed; she doesn't understand about angles and shifts and fluidity. So if I have no memory then of course I have no center. But it says right here that memory is: 1. The power or process of reproducing or recalling what has been learned and retained esp. through associative mechanisms.

Mother (1a) a female parent (1b) a woman in authority

Mother (4) n [akin to MD modder, mud lees, dregs, MLG muddle, mud] a slimy membrane composed of yeast and bacterial cells that develops on the surface of alcoholic liquids undergoing acetous fermentation and is added to wine or cider to produce vinegar

Desire has nothing to do with this. My mother cut everything I'd ever written into tiny pieces and placed my body of work in a box for me to throw away, bury, dispose of.

I confess. I needed that hole in my center to be filled. Mistook need for love. Cut myself deeper, thinking thinking what? Need: a lack of something requisite, desirable or useful

Right under penalty: penance 1. An act of self-abasement, mortification, or devotion performed to show sorrow or repentance for sin

Penalty being a noun meaning 1. The suffering in person, rights or property that is annexed by law or judicial decision to the commission of a crime or public offense.

When your therapist f*cks you, who's the offender? Who pays the penalty?

Pain is the penalty I must pay for having needed anything at all.

Pain. N ]fr L poena, fr GK poine, payment, penalty; akin to GK tineiein to pay, tinesthai, to punish, tine, price, value, honor] 1. Punishment 2. Makes no difference because this is not physical pain paid as in "I paid my dues last time. What the f*ck is going on here?"